I have been thinking about what to say in this post and I decided I needed to say something, before I became just one more person, who started a blog, said a few things, and let it get lost in the hustle of every day life. Because this blog? It is too important for that. It is helping me sort through all of the emotions, good and bad, that I have as I navigate this very delicate terrain. And the longer I go without saying something, the odds are that when I need to look back to have a reminder of how incredibly horribly awful this all felt? It won't be here. And if it isn't here to help me, or someone else, later on...well, what's the point?
Since my last post, we have had another court date. I have spent another hour in the attorney's office. I have spent a few hours doing homework for the attorney and trying to sort through the financial things for both the attorney, the accountant, and the courts. Know how far that has gotten me? Pretty much nowhere. That scares me. Know why?
Because as all this is happening, I feel like my wheels are spinning. Since this all started? It feels like a million years have passed and yet it feels like if I wake up, it will have all been a bad dream. I sign paper after paper. I cry. A lot. I pray for some kind of definite something. Anything. 4 months, two court dates, petitions, and more. Know what has been formally decided? Absolutely zip, zero, nada. And it is driving me absolutely nuts.
I want to be able to know something. Anything. And I want to know that it is done. I can count on it. I can know that there is no going back, no changing minds, but that something has been officially decided. Because until something like that happens, I feel like I am suspended, in mid air, on a tight rope. I am either going to make it to the other side successfully or not. Depends what is decided and how it is decided. Problem with that? I'm not a tight rope walker and in fact? It makes me think of the circus (which divorce can definitely be described as a circus). Know what I think of when I think of the circus? Clowns. And I'm scared of clowns.
But at the circus, there are people...the tight rope walkers...who somehow manage to balance, while remaining in motion, on that rope. They take carefully plotted steps. Occasionally, they stop. To regain their footing or balance. Everyone holds their breath. And although it may seem like minutes when they pause to regain their footing, it is likely just seconds before they continue on the trek across that rope. The rope never breaks. And, thankfully, most of the time, the tight rope walkers make it to the other side. If they don't? Well, it's the circus! There is a safety net! But, mostly they make it across, step onto that platform, and raise their hand, take a bow, and relish in their success. And the crowd, who had been quiet just moments before erupts into applause. At least that is how I remember it. The last time I went to a circus I was probably 8 or 10 years old. So, it has been awhile!
So, although I feel like I am suspended in mid air on a rope? My steps have big hurdles I have to jump, while remaining on that rope. At the circus? The rope doesn't break, unlike a marriage. If the person walking falls? Well, there is usually a safety net to catch them. But, no safety net in a divorce. Because pre-divorce, your safety net, the one who made sure you didn't fall is now the person you are divorcing and therefore nothing is safe. And the tight rope walkers keep moving along that rope, making progress with each step. Where as in a divorce, you are stuck, waiting on your spouse, the attorneys, the judge, the courts, and you cannot move forward until everyone has analyzed everything. And while you are standing there, without a safety net, you can see the other side...the platform you are supposed to make it to. And it feels like you might never reach it.
But at some point you know, you realize you will eventually land on that platform. You start to wonder if once you finally make it to that platform? You will realize it is the last place you ever wanted to be. Because once you finally get there? You are officially divorced. The thing you thought you wanted most...something to be official, finalized, and officially declared? Yep, there it is. All wrapped up, signed, sealed, and delivered. But there is not an audience to applaud you. And there is no time to take a bow, because suddenly? Everything is final, you are officially on your own, with three small children who need you more than ever, and the new reality of life as a single, divorced, mom to three? There it is. All I can say? Oh shit.
So, I'm suspended on a tight rope, trying to walk forward, but having to take steps backwards, in the saddest and most frightening circus of all. The circus called divorce.
I'm already working on my next post and hope to have it up sometime next week. Things no one tells you to expect during a divorce process. To say I have learned a few things? Huge understatement. I'm guessing that there are so many more things I will come to learn, discover, and despise about divorce. So if you have any tips? Let me know. They just might make it onto my top 5 (or 7 or 10...it's a post in progress) thing no one tells you about the reality of the divorce process.
Until then? Hope that my rope doesn't break. Because trust me, right now? It is wearing thin! But, I will continue. I will face my fears. And I will remember...
“Courage is not the absence of fear,
but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear.”
— Pat Riley
