It is an "I Hate Divorce Day"

Not sure that this will make sense, but it is an "I hate divorce day."  Not that I love the thought of it on any day, I most certainly do not.  But some days are harder than others.  Some days I find myself wondering if my life is the script of a bad talk show or soap opera.  Today?  Yep, it's one of those days. 

Today has even brought a few tears, ok more than a few.  And more of what feels like pieces of my heart breaking.  These days are the worst.  I wonder when they stop?  I can't forsee that these feelings will go away tomorow or next month.  But, I certainly hope they don't last forever. 

Last night, my five year old told me that divorce worried her.  I asked why it woried her and secretly told her that it woried me too.  She looked so relieved that she wasn't the only one worrying!  I smiled for a brief moment, knowing that by listening to her and hearing her, acknowledging her fear, that I had done the right "mom" thing.  The only problem is, I kind of want someone to reassure me. 

Unfortunately, there isn't anyone who is adequately prepared for that.  Some friends and family have had life long or seemingly endless marriages.  I always assumed that we, my soon to be ex-husband and I, would be in that group.  Other friends and family members have been through a divorce or have parents who were divorced.  The advice and encouragement I get from anyone on either side of the great divorce debate is laughable at best. 

For some, I just need to give it another try.  Problem?  I didn't give up in the first place.  For others, I see their eyes blaze and they begin their tremendous tale of divorce and making the ex-spouse pay.  Yeah, sorry, that's not really my way either. 

I'm sort of the calm, collected, quiet type.  Maybe that's what got me here, maybe not.  I have no desire to make my (do I have to keep saying "soon to be or can I just say ex?) future ex-spouse miserable in his new life.  Ultimatley, I want peace.  And happiness.  For everyone involved.  And on days like today, it feels like that goal is too lofty. 

I'm determined to make it a reachable goal, but I haven't quite figured out how.  For now?  I'm going to get ready to make the best Valentine's Day card boxes that kindergarten and first grade have ever seen! 

Hoping for a better tomorow....

Starting Over

I'm not a writer.  But, I have found that, througout the years, creating a log, journal, or chronicle of life events has helped me in countless ways.  It has helped me remember the amazingly wonderful moments of life.  It has helped me dig up an answer when five years down the road, I can't quite remember if my daughter was 2 or 3 when she had chicken pox.  It has helped provide healing as I have typed entries into a site for an ailing friend.  Ultimately, blogging, on my old platform, let me create a family heirloom that I would at some point, get printed off, and distribute to my children as sort of a timeline of their lives and our family.  Unfortunately?  That family heirloom is going to change drastically in the next few months.  One word.

Divorce.

I want to say I didn't see it coming.  And, a large part of me didn't.  But, I have to believe, that on some underlying level I knew it was going to happen.  Except for one small thing.  I thought we had rounded the corner.  That we had faced the toughest of times and that we were on our way to becoming the maried couple we had been very early in our marriage.  Sure, we would be a bit older, certainly a bit wiser, and have a whole new definition of fun as we were now parents.  But, I truly believed that we had weatherd the storm.  That part about staying together through sickness and health?  Yep, we did that.  Better or worse?  Most certainly.  Richer or poorer?  The poorer part came with the sickness part.  But, we had stuck to our vows and I can honestly say that I never intended for my marriage to end.

Except that suddenly, it wasn't my decision.  My soon to be ex-spouse made the decision for me.  About two months ago, my world fell apart when he bluntly told me his feelings about us, our marriage, and our non-existent future.  As we moved forward, each day, facing his harsh criticisms became more and more painful.  There was a period of time in December where we tried to let things take their course, before we jumped in and hired attorneys.  After all...who could afford attorneys and how in the world do you even get divorced?  Aren't marriage vows invincible?

Finally, I jumped in, found an attorney, and figured out (quickly) what my rights were.  I am an educated, employed, female.  I am also a mom, I was a wife, and I felt like someone had given me a map, pointed me towards a course, turned out the lights, and forgot to give me a flash light.  Then they said, "Go.  Go thru the maze.  You have to finish.  Just go." 

And I went.  Blazing down a path that would force me to open my eyes to some harsh realities.  But ultimately, that would force me to understand divorce in a way I never thought I could.  I am slowly becoming a divorce resource for my children.  Figuring out whether to hold their hand, let them cry, or call the child psychologist.  All while trying to navigate the murky waters of who lives where and when. 

I'm not certain where this journey, or this blog, will take me.  But, I hope that you will join me for the ride.  If you are here to criticize me?  Just leave now.  Until you have taken a step in my shoes or have seen a snapshot of my life from the inside?  You have no right to judge me or my decisions.  But, if you are willing to offer me a bit of support, read as I begin to charter into true judge-ordered single parenthood?  Then please come back.  I promise there will be plenty of laughable moments on this trek...some of them have already happened. 

So, here is to starting over...2014 style.