Lost in the chaos

I feel lost in the chaos of divorce.  I have sat for nearly 45 miutes trying to figure out how to put that into words that adequately describe what it feels like right now.  And that is the best I could come up with. 

In chaos, there is no rhyme or reason.  Things happen that are beyond your control.  You feel like you are running after a train that is already in motion.  For every step forward that you take, you find out you are eighty-seven steps in the wrong direction.  By calming one of your children down, the others are in the midst of some crisis or another that you cannot solve and you cannot figure out how to tear yourself into thirds so that each of them get what they need from you.  Chaos leaves you feeling exhausted, but sleep is impossible, simply because there is too much to do. 

Chaos is hell. 

As awful as chaos is right now?  There was a time when I thought chaos was glorious.  Just thinking back to those times, puts a smile on my face.  The chaos of a young family.  A young family, growing together, in a house that became to small, with two dogs who barked for no reason, and a family of five who were learning how to be a family together. 

As the little ones got older each year, more and more chaos came.  We made it through the chaos of a baby, a baby and a toddler, and two toddlers and a baby.  We made it to the chaos of kindergarten, preschool, and daycare.  The introduction of organized sports....tumbling, soccer.  This year, they tried ice skating.  Each, learning their passions, hobbies, and dislikes, while my husband and I shuffled children here and there, while working full time jobs. 

Family chaos?  Is incredible.  It is magical.  It is love.

So how can the same word have such drastic definitions to the same person?  Had you asked me in July how we juggled three kids, as working parents, I would have smiled and told you I had no idea, we just did it.  Yet, no one would dream of asking me that now, because clearly, we didn't do it correctly.  What I once viewed as wonderful, glorious chaos of life has now become the most chaotic battle of all.

We, my soon to be ex-spouse and I, are in a dance with one another.  We try to move together, for the sake of our amazing children.  But hurt feelings and misunderstood words get in the way.  And soon, we are dancing around each other, both frustrated, confused, and hurt.  And as we keep dancing through this stupid, awful world of divorce, our dances become more and more individual routines and less and less partnerships.  Clearly, we would never make it as a couple or team on Dancing with the Stars.  Every so often, it seems we are pulled back towards each other, for some reason or another.  Every so often, I start to think my heart might heal and that we will be able to do this - be civilized, nice to each other, divorced parents.  But in a blink of an eye, a moment, that crashes to the ground and we each retreat to neutral corners.  And as fast as our moment of peace happened?  Now, it's another call to the attorney, another anticipated battle, and another sleepless night. 

I'm certain I must be naive.  Because when I recited my wedding vows, I truly believed them.  I believed the words we spoke to each other.  Not only did I believe those words, I trusted those words.  And I trusted the man I said them to.  And as he recited those vows to me?  I trusted him.  I envisioned forever as our future.  I never imagined anything else.  I suppose that is why I despise divorce and feel so blind sided by it.  Because, this?  This awful place that we exist in right now?  Yeah, that was never supposed to happen.  Especially not to us. 

So, for now, I pray for the good days.  The civil days.  The days that are actually better than civil, when we occassionally share a laugh together.  I hope for neutral days.  The days when we don't have to solve any problems together and therefore we are separate and there is no reason for hurtful words or frustrated emails.  And I dread the days when we are both on the defensive.  I hope, for everyone who is involved, all five of us, that we can establish some formalized piece of this divorce soon.  The limbo that we exist in right now is simply not healthy for anyone. 

But, once the limbo is over?  And things are all done, wrapped up, and signed by a family court judge...then what?  I never imagined life as a single mom.  Why worry about that, when I truly believed I had a marriage that would last forever.  But now, single mommyhood is staring me in the face. 

And I think that single mommyhood will bring a new sort of chaos to my life.  I know there will be missteps and moments where I will wish for my husband to be there to help.  I'm sure he will have those moments as well, when he has his days and weekends, and times with our children.  But, instead of leaning on each other, we will reach to family and friends.  We will figure out how to do this on our own.  And the new chaos we will learn will be nothing short of miraculous. 

Till next time?  I hope for strength, I pray for relief, and I smile as I anticipate the "new normal" that awaits me and my children.