New beginnings...sort of?

Well, I'll be honest.  I have sat and stared at my computer screen what feels like a million times the past few months.  I have so many things I want to say, things I probably need to say.  Yet, I sit and stare at the screen, wondering, how do I even start to explain it? 

Yesterday, I decided I had to start somewhere.  And I got locked out of my account.  Which actually brought tears to my eyes.  Those tears spilled over onto my face and before I knew it, I knew exactly what I wanted and needed to say, but had no way to unlock my account.  Frustrated?  A gigantic understatement.

So, that brings us to today.  I finally got my account unlocked (and will now remember that I need to log in more often so that it doesn't happen again).  And once again, I'm sitting here, looking at the screen, trying to figure out where to start.  So, I guess I jump in, exactly where my thoughts are right this second.

I am now in the final phases of divorce.  Custody has been established and finalized.  That was the most frightening period of time for me.  I never understood the difference between custody and visitation prior to this experience.  However, after covering it with my attorney and a mediator, I did understand.  I want to make one thing clear.  I did not seek custody of my children to spite my ex-husband.  I sought custody of my children because it is how things needed to be.  We have a "standard" visitation schedule for each week, holidays, etc.  But, I encourage additional visitation time.  In fact, I suggest it.  It is good for them and it is good for him.  My intent in seeking custody was never to "take" my children from him.  And it never will be.  There are 101 reasons that I fully believed I needed to be the custodial parent.  Those reasons?  Aren't for here.  But if you feel the need to point fingers or accuse me of trying to prove a point?  Don't.  I don't want to hear it, don't need to hear it, and while this blog is certainly a platform detailing my experience, there are just some things that will not be said here.  Please remember to be kind.  Because nothing about any of this has been easy.

Not to long ago, we sat through the financial trial.  I cannot imagine that is a comfortable situation for anyone.  Truthfully?  Finances were the farthest thing from my mind.  What mattered to me, in all of this, was that I would be awarded sole custody of my children.  I was and am aware that I had to make sure I had the financial means to support them.  But, I didn't go into the financial process like I was out for blood.  I went in, knowing what I would need in order to appropriately care for them.  I didn't ask for more, I didn't accept less.  I tried to picture what must be going through my ex-husband's head.  And it made my heart hurt.  I know what I felt like, I can only imagine...wait...no, I can't imagine...how all of this has felt to him.  And I won't pretend to. 

So, divorce wise, that is where things are.  The final paperwork process.  Claiming debts, dividing assets, transferring titles, etc.  A truly frustrating and draining process.  It feels never ending.  Yet, I don't think the most daunting part has yet to come.  I imagine the day I sit in my attorney's office to sign that "official" document that officially declares me divorced will be one that is surrounded by a slew of emotions.  I am confident there will be a momentary realization that nearly 1/3 of my life has been reduced to about 50 pages of court documents, which in itself is depressing.  Likely a moment of, this is not how my life was supposed to turn out.  But, I imagine the larger and more overwhelming emotions will include relief that it is finally done.  All done.  Signed, sealed, and delivered.  I will no longer have to question what box to check...I am not really separated or single, but I am not yet divorced.  But that "married" box feels like a big giant lie.  I also anticipate some feelings of freedom.  No more visits to the courthouse, the attorney's office, no more trying to document every single thing for financial affidavits and more.  There's one other emotion I am already starting to experience.  It feels strange and out of place.  But, there is a part of me that is excited.  Yes, excited.  Let me explain.

The months immediately after the decision to split, the filing, mediation, etc...a horrible, draining, miserable time of life.  There are days I pray I never have to remember.  But sometime in the late Spring or early Summer, I think once custody was settled, my children and I moved.  We started our new life.  They now had two families, two homes.  And I set to task creating a home in our new space.  We didn't have furniture for weeks.  We had picnics on the floor daily.  I smiled at them and each night, I would try to accomplish some task to make our new place their new home.  Gradually, that horrible, gut - wrenching, fight back tears, pain faded away.  Yes, it still hit at times.  But, I started to notice something.  I was smiling.  A lot.  I was laughing.  I was remembering what it felt like to be happy. 

And then something else happened.  I realized that while my initial decision to "never ever date again," that had seemed rational at the time...it no longer seemed rational.  In fact, it seemed extreme.  I had absolutely no idea how to date; my last first date was over 10 years ago.  Dating with kids?  Who has time for that?  Yet, I started to realize I missed having someone to share my day with.  Someone to laugh about life's random moments with.  And maybe, just maybe, my initial "never ever again" reaction had been a way to protect myself from getting hurt again, when I really needed to heal. 

So, that started the next chapter.  Another new beginning.  I had no idea who or what I was looking for.  Or even how to find that person.  I wasn't in a rush, in fact, slow and steady was just fine with me.  After all, I was still waiting on final paperwork.  So, I hesitantly approached the dating scene.  Know what has happened in the past 10 years?  You don't get set up on blind dates through friends.  You meet potential dates on online dating sites.  Which seemed completely bizarre to me.  It creeped me out just a bit, but it didn't paralyze me with fear.  After an internal debate, I decided to give it a try.  After all, what did I have to lose?

So I gave it a try.  A few first dates.  A very few second dates.  No third dates.  Although, I did find a new friend or two.  I found myself laughing even more and truly enjoying life.  Not just enjoying my children, but life. Dating with kids?  Awkward.  But, I used the time when they were with their dad to focus on figuring out myself.  And then I went on a first date.  I left that date feeling confused and unsure.  But, I wanted to know more about this person; I was intrigued.  A second date followed several days later.  After that date?  I suggested a third date.  Date 3 happened. 

Sometime during those first three dates, something happened.  The wall I had put up months and months ago, the wall that was designed to protect me from getting hurt?  It started to crumble.  I was well aware that I might get hurt in a new relationship.  Yet, there was something that made me want to figure out what might be there with this person.  A few more dates followed.  And with each date, I fell a little bit more for this person.  It caught me so off guard.  I never expected to actually meet someone I would really consider dating through some online site.  I certainly never expected to basically fall flat on my face so soon after a divorce. 

And one afternoon, reality hit.  I had two lives going.  I had my life with my children, which consumed about 75% of my time.  And, I had this new beginning with someone I really wanted to get to know.  But the two parts of my life couldn't cross paths.  And I got confused.  How was I supposed to keep two important things completely separate?  Yet, there was no way I was ready to bring the two together. 

So, I did what any reasonable mom would do.  I put my personal feelings aside.  I stopped seeing this person.  I tried to explain my rationale, but I did a horrible job.  What's more?  I felt horrible at the thought that I may have unintentionally hurt someone.  Someone I was coming to care about very much.  I tried to follow up and apologize, but I don't think I did a very good job at that either.  I spent days going through the motions and missing what had, so unexpectedly, become an important part of my life.

Tonight, I have one last chance to try and clarify my situation to this person.  There is a part of me that hopes he understands and can work with me as I figure out what the next step is.  There is a larger part of me that would not blame this guy from bolting and never returning.  More than anything?  I hope that I can clearly explain my thoughts, feelings, and intentions.  I hope that he can hear them.  And I hope that even if he chooses to walk away?  I can start to heal, once again, knowing that I have been completely honest about my fears for a new relationship. 

Dating post divorce...who knew it would be like this??? 

Till next time...wake up every day, knowing that something amazing is about to happen.