Sadness, Relief, Confusion, and Exhaustion...that's normal, right?

Supposedly, we have had our last court appearance.  Supposedly, all things are finalized.  A few more signatures, the exchange of some paperwork, and a few other finalities and this divorce will come to a close.  I am anxiously awaiting the day when I no longer get voicemails from the divorce attorney, no longer have to take 1/2 days off work to sit in the courthouse waiting endlessly for an incredibly tense 10 minutes in the court room, and no longer feel like I am in constant limbo.  There is a sense of sadness that comes with knowing the end is so near...that the next call from the attorney will be the call that notifies me I am officially, 100% divorced.  Yes, there is sadness over what has been lost, the future that I had imagined, and knowing that my beautiful daughters won't grow up in the family that I had imagined. 

But despite the sadness, there is a sense of relief that, for the most part, overshadows the sadness.  Relief that things are close to final, so that I can really and truly move forward.  I'm not sure what exactly I am moving towards, but some new beginning.  Relief that I am learning how to make it on my own.  It isn't easy and there are days and months when I wonder "how am I supposed to do this?!?"  Those times are more often than not, but the thing is?  I am making it.  I am getting by.  And, I'm doing it while managing to take care of my girls, maintain my job, and keep most of my sanity. 

So, how does confusion fit into this puzzle?  Well, sadness and relief are two emotions that feel like they should conflict, or at least they feel that way to me.  So, when a wave of sadness hits, I do feel confused.  I wonder, how can I feel relieved, at the same time I am sad for the life that I am putting behind me?  I'm thankful that the moments of "is this the right thing?" have long passed.  I know, with certainty, no matter how difficult it is now or in the future, that this divorce is the right thing for each person involved.  That seems strange to say, since three of the people involved, my daughters, didn't get a say in it.  But the simple truth is this...in the long run, each of us will be better off living as two families instead of one.  That doesn't mean there will not be challenges, difficulties, anger towards us from the girls.  I can only hope that someday, they will understand that sometimes the most difficult decisions are the ones that are ultimately, the best decisions.

With all that has gone on?  I'm exhausted.  I wonder if, when things really are final, I will crawl into bed and sleep for two days.  It has been nearly a year since the first "divorce" words were uttered.  When I think about the upcoming seasons, the holidays, and that I will now miss 1/2 of those special moments with the girls, I feel shaken, caught of guard, and unprepared.  The best decision...not always the easy decision.  I am preparing myself for a holiday season unlike any other, the first of many, and one more new beginning of sorts.  I anticipate sadness.  I hope that each year will get easier.  But for now, I think I am just going to wait for the true finality of the divorce, let the relief, sadness, and exhaustion all take their turns, and keep moving forward.  Again, I don't know what I am moving towards, but I have to trust it is something amazing.