Why?
When we went to court for the final trial in August, I had met with my attorney. I knew what to expect, I knew what I was asking for, what part of the debt I would absorb, and ultimately what things might look like at the end of that day. My attorney did not agree with all my decisions, but I held firm. I chose to take on more debt than I would likely be expected to, by the courts. I gave up my right to our home. There were some things I was unwilling to negotiate or settle on. I knew what those items were going in and I held my ground.
The one ground I did not hold? The grounds for the "dissolution of marriage." At the very end, the judge asked if grounds for the divorce had ever been proved. The original petition for the divorce was pulled up and my husband's attorney stated that they would not agree to the grounds on which I had filed. My attorney quickly explained to me that I could change my grounds to irreconcilable differences, as we now met the criteria as living separate and apart, which we had not met when I originally filed. I refused. Irreconcilable differences? That's not what this was.
And then the judge had his say. I realized that I could either change the grounds to irreconcilable and let life move forward. Or, I could spend thousands of additional dollars, return trips to court, and a lot of stress/strain proving my original grounds. After nearly a year of court costs, attorney fees, months without child support, and everything else? I caved. I agreed to irreconcilable differences as the grounds for the divorce. I promptly left the courthouse and threw up in the parking lot. I didn't cry though. I simply went home, brushed my teeth, and said a silent thank you that over the next few weeks, everything would be finalized.
Yep, here we are, nearly 2 months later. 2 court dates for judgment entry have come and gone. Another is scheduled for November. I will consider myself lucky if there is a final judgment by early next year. Yes, next year. A whole year (plus a few months) after this all began. Considering I am not the one who asked for the divorce, there seems to be an awful lot of stalling and hold ups from the other side.
I am mad. Angry. Throughout this entire ordeal, I have only had two distinct occasions where I can say I have been truly angry with some aspect of what has or is happening. Now, I have had a 3rd and 4th instance. The thing about anger is this...I'm not, by nature, an angry person. Yes, emotions are good and you shouldn't suppress them. But, I'm just not mad. I have been sad, sentimental, upset, scared, confused, overwhelmed, even excited that the end of this was near. But anger just hasn't been the go to emotion. Not that it would be the wrong feeling or a bad feeling, it just hasn't been my feeling.
It started when I realized it would be months more before this was final. I had this instant flash thought of "I cannot truly move forward in life until I am no longer married." And I was mad. I still don't know what box to mark on forms. I'm not divorced, I'm not separated, technically I am still married...but checking that box feels wrong. I still don't know how to refer to him. Saying ex husband, while knowing that isn't the full truth feels like a lie. More than anything? I despise lies. I value honesty and truth. Yet, I feel like I exist in a loophole.
Then, the strangest thing happened. I realized I would not have my daughters for Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day. I would have them for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, but Thanksgiving I would be flying solo. My options? Attend Thanksgiving, with my relatives, as I had for countless years before having kids and splitting holidays between his family and mine or get the heck out of town. The idea of attending the holiday with my cousins and their spouses, children, and others was a bit more than I thought I could take. Going five, almost six days without my girls, on the first major holiday in our new normal, while still likely not divorced, and being forced to put on a smile? Yep, probably not going to happen. A trip seemed like the best idea.
But then they started plotting. They being my daughters. About all the reasons we needed a dog. Initially, I laughed and said, maybe someday. Truthfully, I meant that...someday. But at night, in the quiet after they would go to bed, I realized that I had spent my entire life...34 years...with a dog as a part of my life. And my daughters had never known anything except the two labs that remained with their father in the midst of this divorce. Our apartment allows pets. So, I emailed them to find out what type of restrictions were there and what I might need to do, should I decide to consider looking at a pet sooner rather than later. We could provide a good, safe, and loving home to the right little four legged friend. So maybe I wouldn't be going on a trip for Thanksgiving. Maybe I would remain in our apartment, with a new (to us) furry friend, and spend my few "non mom" days watching a Netflix marathon or two.
I started searching the shelter websites. Then, I backtracked. I made a list of all the necessary qualities that had to be met. There were rules for the apartment, size matters in our small space, and the list went on. Although my heart melted over seemingly every sweet little face I saw, I finally found a sweet puppy whose liter had been relinquished to a shelter about an hour away. I applied. I sat, waiting, and stared at the sweet little face in the picture. Then, they called me. She had been listed as a mix, but the shelter knew that part of her mix was an restricted breed for my apartment complex. However, they would approve my application for a different dog, should I find one with their shelter that met my needs. I was disappointed, but kept looking. Not just at that shelter, but at others.
Suddenly, there he was. There are 27 1/2 requirements/traits/characteristics on my list. Sounds like a lot, but getting a dog is a big deal. There are some items on that list that are non-negotiable (obviously, my apartment has to allow the breed and of equal importance the dog must be good with children). There are others that are desirable (low shedding), but could be dealt with if the right lil guy appeared. And there was the right lil guy. He was the right age, the right size, the right breed, and more. He met 26 of the 27 1/2 requirements. My application was approved and I made an appointment to go meet this lil critter. Assuming my initial meeting went well, a follow up meeting for the following day, with the girls would be scheduled, and he could come home with us.
And then he refused to sign. One more stumbling block to this divorce. One more hold up, this time with no clear end in sight. I stood in my kitchen that night, looking at my laptop with the sweet little dog on the screen, looking at the judgment draft that would go unsigned, and realized once again my life was on hold. There are costs that come with owning a pet and I was going to get hit with additional legal fees, again. I have long exhausted my retainer and depending how much longer this goes on, I will have to write my attorney another check, before I have received any of the negotiated court costs, home equity, etc amounts. My first obligation was to get things finished, settled divorce wise. And should a new pet need some unexpected expense (after the expense of adoption, deposit to the leasing company, general animal stuff like food, a bed, and toys) or should my attorney need a large check...well, I couldn't do both. And in that instant, I had a flash of a picture in my head. My ex, in the house that used to be ours, with the 2 labs that I missed like crazy, while I stood in my sparsely furnished apartment with no four legged friend to cuddle. Mad? You have no idea.
But, mad or not? I had to do what I knew was right and my only option. I was too choked up to call the adoption agency, so I asked my mom to do it for me. It has been over a week and there is still a lingering frustration and slight anger there. I'm so tired of having to put my life on hold for this divorce. I'm tired of visiting the courthouse. I want to delete my attorney's phone number from my phone. I want this to be done. Over. Yes, I know I may regret saying that at some point. But there is nothing to save or put back together. There hasn't been for quite some time.
I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff. I'm ready to take the flying leap into all that is ahead of me. I already took one step, I signed the final judgment paperwork. Now, I am basically frozen, mid air, waiting for him to sign. It is the most unsettling, frustrating feeling in the world. I think it is the most unsettling feeling I have faced during this entire process. I'm trying to find reasons to be positive, to smile, and to refuse to let the frustration take over. That's not easy.
Thankfully? None of this has been easy and I have kept going. I have found reasons to stay positive. Even though my mind keeps drifting to the little dog that almost got to become part of our family (I keep praying that he has found a forever home), I am consciously trying to keep my irritation that it didn't work out to a minimum. I keep reminding myself that all of this...every piece of it...is just one more piece of this adventure...
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