Lost in the chaos

I feel lost in the chaos of divorce.  I have sat for nearly 45 miutes trying to figure out how to put that into words that adequately describe what it feels like right now.  And that is the best I could come up with. 

In chaos, there is no rhyme or reason.  Things happen that are beyond your control.  You feel like you are running after a train that is already in motion.  For every step forward that you take, you find out you are eighty-seven steps in the wrong direction.  By calming one of your children down, the others are in the midst of some crisis or another that you cannot solve and you cannot figure out how to tear yourself into thirds so that each of them get what they need from you.  Chaos leaves you feeling exhausted, but sleep is impossible, simply because there is too much to do. 

Chaos is hell. 

As awful as chaos is right now?  There was a time when I thought chaos was glorious.  Just thinking back to those times, puts a smile on my face.  The chaos of a young family.  A young family, growing together, in a house that became to small, with two dogs who barked for no reason, and a family of five who were learning how to be a family together. 

As the little ones got older each year, more and more chaos came.  We made it through the chaos of a baby, a baby and a toddler, and two toddlers and a baby.  We made it to the chaos of kindergarten, preschool, and daycare.  The introduction of organized sports....tumbling, soccer.  This year, they tried ice skating.  Each, learning their passions, hobbies, and dislikes, while my husband and I shuffled children here and there, while working full time jobs. 

Family chaos?  Is incredible.  It is magical.  It is love.

So how can the same word have such drastic definitions to the same person?  Had you asked me in July how we juggled three kids, as working parents, I would have smiled and told you I had no idea, we just did it.  Yet, no one would dream of asking me that now, because clearly, we didn't do it correctly.  What I once viewed as wonderful, glorious chaos of life has now become the most chaotic battle of all.

We, my soon to be ex-spouse and I, are in a dance with one another.  We try to move together, for the sake of our amazing children.  But hurt feelings and misunderstood words get in the way.  And soon, we are dancing around each other, both frustrated, confused, and hurt.  And as we keep dancing through this stupid, awful world of divorce, our dances become more and more individual routines and less and less partnerships.  Clearly, we would never make it as a couple or team on Dancing with the Stars.  Every so often, it seems we are pulled back towards each other, for some reason or another.  Every so often, I start to think my heart might heal and that we will be able to do this - be civilized, nice to each other, divorced parents.  But in a blink of an eye, a moment, that crashes to the ground and we each retreat to neutral corners.  And as fast as our moment of peace happened?  Now, it's another call to the attorney, another anticipated battle, and another sleepless night. 

I'm certain I must be naive.  Because when I recited my wedding vows, I truly believed them.  I believed the words we spoke to each other.  Not only did I believe those words, I trusted those words.  And I trusted the man I said them to.  And as he recited those vows to me?  I trusted him.  I envisioned forever as our future.  I never imagined anything else.  I suppose that is why I despise divorce and feel so blind sided by it.  Because, this?  This awful place that we exist in right now?  Yeah, that was never supposed to happen.  Especially not to us. 

So, for now, I pray for the good days.  The civil days.  The days that are actually better than civil, when we occassionally share a laugh together.  I hope for neutral days.  The days when we don't have to solve any problems together and therefore we are separate and there is no reason for hurtful words or frustrated emails.  And I dread the days when we are both on the defensive.  I hope, for everyone who is involved, all five of us, that we can establish some formalized piece of this divorce soon.  The limbo that we exist in right now is simply not healthy for anyone. 

But, once the limbo is over?  And things are all done, wrapped up, and signed by a family court judge...then what?  I never imagined life as a single mom.  Why worry about that, when I truly believed I had a marriage that would last forever.  But now, single mommyhood is staring me in the face. 

And I think that single mommyhood will bring a new sort of chaos to my life.  I know there will be missteps and moments where I will wish for my husband to be there to help.  I'm sure he will have those moments as well, when he has his days and weekends, and times with our children.  But, instead of leaning on each other, we will reach to family and friends.  We will figure out how to do this on our own.  And the new chaos we will learn will be nothing short of miraculous. 

Till next time?  I hope for strength, I pray for relief, and I smile as I anticipate the "new normal" that awaits me and my children. 

It is an "I Hate Divorce Day"

Not sure that this will make sense, but it is an "I hate divorce day."  Not that I love the thought of it on any day, I most certainly do not.  But some days are harder than others.  Some days I find myself wondering if my life is the script of a bad talk show or soap opera.  Today?  Yep, it's one of those days. 

Today has even brought a few tears, ok more than a few.  And more of what feels like pieces of my heart breaking.  These days are the worst.  I wonder when they stop?  I can't forsee that these feelings will go away tomorow or next month.  But, I certainly hope they don't last forever. 

Last night, my five year old told me that divorce worried her.  I asked why it woried her and secretly told her that it woried me too.  She looked so relieved that she wasn't the only one worrying!  I smiled for a brief moment, knowing that by listening to her and hearing her, acknowledging her fear, that I had done the right "mom" thing.  The only problem is, I kind of want someone to reassure me. 

Unfortunately, there isn't anyone who is adequately prepared for that.  Some friends and family have had life long or seemingly endless marriages.  I always assumed that we, my soon to be ex-husband and I, would be in that group.  Other friends and family members have been through a divorce or have parents who were divorced.  The advice and encouragement I get from anyone on either side of the great divorce debate is laughable at best. 

For some, I just need to give it another try.  Problem?  I didn't give up in the first place.  For others, I see their eyes blaze and they begin their tremendous tale of divorce and making the ex-spouse pay.  Yeah, sorry, that's not really my way either. 

I'm sort of the calm, collected, quiet type.  Maybe that's what got me here, maybe not.  I have no desire to make my (do I have to keep saying "soon to be or can I just say ex?) future ex-spouse miserable in his new life.  Ultimatley, I want peace.  And happiness.  For everyone involved.  And on days like today, it feels like that goal is too lofty. 

I'm determined to make it a reachable goal, but I haven't quite figured out how.  For now?  I'm going to get ready to make the best Valentine's Day card boxes that kindergarten and first grade have ever seen! 

Hoping for a better tomorow....

Starting Over

I'm not a writer.  But, I have found that, througout the years, creating a log, journal, or chronicle of life events has helped me in countless ways.  It has helped me remember the amazingly wonderful moments of life.  It has helped me dig up an answer when five years down the road, I can't quite remember if my daughter was 2 or 3 when she had chicken pox.  It has helped provide healing as I have typed entries into a site for an ailing friend.  Ultimately, blogging, on my old platform, let me create a family heirloom that I would at some point, get printed off, and distribute to my children as sort of a timeline of their lives and our family.  Unfortunately?  That family heirloom is going to change drastically in the next few months.  One word.

Divorce.

I want to say I didn't see it coming.  And, a large part of me didn't.  But, I have to believe, that on some underlying level I knew it was going to happen.  Except for one small thing.  I thought we had rounded the corner.  That we had faced the toughest of times and that we were on our way to becoming the maried couple we had been very early in our marriage.  Sure, we would be a bit older, certainly a bit wiser, and have a whole new definition of fun as we were now parents.  But, I truly believed that we had weatherd the storm.  That part about staying together through sickness and health?  Yep, we did that.  Better or worse?  Most certainly.  Richer or poorer?  The poorer part came with the sickness part.  But, we had stuck to our vows and I can honestly say that I never intended for my marriage to end.

Except that suddenly, it wasn't my decision.  My soon to be ex-spouse made the decision for me.  About two months ago, my world fell apart when he bluntly told me his feelings about us, our marriage, and our non-existent future.  As we moved forward, each day, facing his harsh criticisms became more and more painful.  There was a period of time in December where we tried to let things take their course, before we jumped in and hired attorneys.  After all...who could afford attorneys and how in the world do you even get divorced?  Aren't marriage vows invincible?

Finally, I jumped in, found an attorney, and figured out (quickly) what my rights were.  I am an educated, employed, female.  I am also a mom, I was a wife, and I felt like someone had given me a map, pointed me towards a course, turned out the lights, and forgot to give me a flash light.  Then they said, "Go.  Go thru the maze.  You have to finish.  Just go." 

And I went.  Blazing down a path that would force me to open my eyes to some harsh realities.  But ultimately, that would force me to understand divorce in a way I never thought I could.  I am slowly becoming a divorce resource for my children.  Figuring out whether to hold their hand, let them cry, or call the child psychologist.  All while trying to navigate the murky waters of who lives where and when. 

I'm not certain where this journey, or this blog, will take me.  But, I hope that you will join me for the ride.  If you are here to criticize me?  Just leave now.  Until you have taken a step in my shoes or have seen a snapshot of my life from the inside?  You have no right to judge me or my decisions.  But, if you are willing to offer me a bit of support, read as I begin to charter into true judge-ordered single parenthood?  Then please come back.  I promise there will be plenty of laughable moments on this trek...some of them have already happened. 

So, here is to starting over...2014 style.