Still not over

We had the final trial.  There was one unresolved issue.  We returned to court and that issue was resolved.  A final judgment day was set.  I signed off on the judgment paperwork before court, for the unresolved issue.  I would not be required to appear for the judgment entry.  The entry date was over two weeks ago.  However, it seems as though it may be months before there is a final judgment. 

Why?

When we went to court for the final trial in August, I had met with my attorney.  I knew what to expect, I knew what I was asking for, what part of the debt I would absorb, and ultimately what things might look like at the end of that day.  My attorney did not agree with all my decisions, but I held firm.  I chose to take on more debt than I would likely be expected to, by the courts.  I gave up my right to our home.  There were some things I was unwilling to negotiate or settle on.  I knew what those items were going in and I held my ground. 

The one ground I did not hold?  The grounds for the "dissolution of marriage."  At the very end, the judge asked if grounds for the divorce had ever been proved.  The original petition for the divorce was pulled up and my husband's attorney stated that they would not agree to the grounds on which I had filed.  My attorney quickly explained to me that I could change my grounds to irreconcilable differences, as we now met the criteria as living separate and apart, which we had not met when I originally filed.  I refused.  Irreconcilable differences?  That's not what this was. 

And then the judge had his say.  I realized that I could either change the grounds to irreconcilable and let life move forward.  Or, I could spend thousands of additional dollars, return trips to court, and a lot of stress/strain proving my original grounds.  After nearly a year of court costs, attorney fees, months without child support, and everything else?  I caved.  I agreed to irreconcilable differences as the grounds for the divorce.  I promptly left the courthouse and threw up in the parking lot.  I didn't cry though.  I simply went home, brushed my teeth, and said a silent thank you that over the next few weeks, everything would be finalized.

Yep, here we are, nearly 2 months later.  2 court dates for judgment entry have come and gone.  Another is scheduled for November.  I will consider myself lucky if there is a final judgment by early next year.  Yes, next year.  A whole year (plus a few months) after this all began.  Considering I am not the one who asked for the divorce, there seems to be an awful lot of stalling and hold ups from the other side. 

I am mad.  Angry.  Throughout this entire ordeal, I have only had two distinct occasions where I can say I have been truly angry with some aspect of what has or is happening.  Now, I have had a 3rd and 4th instance.  The thing about anger is this...I'm not, by nature, an angry person.  Yes, emotions are good and you shouldn't suppress them.  But, I'm just not mad.  I have been sad, sentimental, upset, scared, confused, overwhelmed, even excited that the end of this was near.  But anger just hasn't been the go to emotion.  Not that it would be the wrong feeling or a bad feeling, it just hasn't been my feeling. 

It started when I realized it would be months more before this was final.  I had this instant flash thought of "I cannot truly move forward in life until I am no longer married."  And I was mad.  I still don't know what box to mark on forms.  I'm not divorced, I'm not separated, technically I am still married...but checking that box feels wrong.  I still don't know how to refer to him.  Saying ex husband, while knowing that isn't the full truth feels like a lie.  More than anything?  I despise lies.  I value honesty and truth.  Yet, I feel like I exist in a loophole. 

Then, the strangest thing happened.  I realized I would not have my daughters for Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day.  I would have them for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, but Thanksgiving I would be flying solo.  My options?  Attend Thanksgiving, with my relatives, as I had for countless years before having kids and splitting holidays between his family and mine or get the heck out of town.  The idea of attending the holiday with my cousins and their spouses, children, and others was a bit more than I thought I could take.  Going five, almost six days without my girls, on the first major holiday in our new normal, while still likely not divorced, and being forced to put on a smile?  Yep, probably not going to happen.  A trip seemed like the best idea.

But then they started plotting.  They being my daughters.  About all the reasons we needed a dog.  Initially, I laughed and said, maybe someday.  Truthfully, I meant that...someday.  But at night, in the quiet after they would go to bed, I realized that I had spent my entire life...34 years...with a dog as a part of my life.  And my daughters had never known anything except the two labs that remained with their father in the midst of this divorce.  Our apartment allows pets.  So, I emailed them to find out what type of restrictions were there and what I might need to do, should I decide to consider looking at a pet sooner rather than later.  We could provide a good, safe, and loving home to the right little four legged friend.  So maybe I wouldn't be going on a trip for Thanksgiving.  Maybe I would remain in our apartment, with a new (to us) furry friend, and spend my few "non mom" days watching a Netflix marathon or two. 

I started searching the shelter websites.  Then, I backtracked.  I made a list of all the necessary qualities that had to be met.  There were rules for the apartment, size matters in our small space, and the list went on.  Although my heart melted over seemingly every sweet little face I saw, I finally found a sweet puppy whose liter had been relinquished to a shelter about an hour away.  I applied.  I sat, waiting, and stared at the sweet little face in the picture.  Then, they called me.  She had been listed as a mix, but the shelter knew that part of her mix was an restricted breed for my apartment complex.  However, they would approve my application for a different dog, should I find one with their shelter that met my needs.  I was disappointed, but kept looking.  Not just at that shelter, but at others. 

Suddenly, there he was.  There are 27 1/2 requirements/traits/characteristics on my list.  Sounds like a lot, but getting a dog is a big deal.  There are some items on that list that are non-negotiable (obviously, my apartment has to allow the breed and of equal importance the dog must be good with children).  There are others that are desirable (low shedding), but could be dealt with if the right lil guy appeared.  And there was the right lil guy.  He was the right age, the right size, the right breed, and more.  He met 26 of the 27 1/2 requirements.  My application was approved and I made an appointment to go meet this lil critter.  Assuming my initial meeting went well, a follow up meeting for the following day, with the girls would be scheduled, and he could come home with us. 

And then he refused to sign.  One more stumbling block to this divorce.  One more hold up, this time with no clear end in sight.  I stood in my kitchen that night, looking at my laptop with the sweet little dog on the screen, looking at the judgment draft that would go unsigned, and realized once again my life was on hold.  There are costs that come with owning a pet and I was going to get hit with additional legal fees, again.  I have long exhausted my retainer and depending how much longer this goes on, I will have to write my attorney another check, before I have received any of the negotiated court costs, home equity, etc amounts.  My first obligation was to get things finished, settled divorce wise.  And should a new pet need some unexpected expense (after the expense of adoption, deposit to the leasing company, general animal stuff like food, a bed, and toys) or should my attorney need a large check...well, I couldn't do both.  And in that instant, I had a flash of a picture in my head.  My ex, in the house that used to be ours, with the 2 labs that I missed like crazy, while I stood in my sparsely furnished apartment with no four legged friend to cuddle.  Mad?  You have no idea. 

But, mad or not?  I had to do what I knew was right and my only option.  I was too choked up to call the adoption agency, so I asked my mom to do it for me.  It has been over a week and there is still a lingering frustration and slight anger there.  I'm so tired of having to put my life on hold for this divorce.  I'm tired of visiting the courthouse. I want to delete my attorney's phone number from my phone.  I want this to be done.  Over.  Yes, I know I may regret saying that at some point.  But there is nothing to save or put back together.  There hasn't been for quite some time. 

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff.  I'm ready to take the flying  leap into all that is ahead of me.  I already took one step, I signed the final judgment paperwork.  Now, I am basically frozen, mid air, waiting for him to sign.  It is the most unsettling, frustrating feeling in the world.  I think it is the most unsettling feeling I have faced during this entire process.  I'm trying to find reasons to be positive, to smile, and to refuse to let the frustration take over.  That's not easy. 

Thankfully?  None of this has been easy and I have kept going. I have found reasons to stay positive.  Even though my mind keeps drifting to the little dog that almost got to become part of our family (I keep praying that he has found a forever home), I am consciously trying to keep my irritation that it didn't work out to a minimum.  I keep reminding myself that all of this...every piece of it...is just one more piece of this adventure...

Sadness, Relief, Confusion, and Exhaustion...that's normal, right?

Supposedly, we have had our last court appearance.  Supposedly, all things are finalized.  A few more signatures, the exchange of some paperwork, and a few other finalities and this divorce will come to a close.  I am anxiously awaiting the day when I no longer get voicemails from the divorce attorney, no longer have to take 1/2 days off work to sit in the courthouse waiting endlessly for an incredibly tense 10 minutes in the court room, and no longer feel like I am in constant limbo.  There is a sense of sadness that comes with knowing the end is so near...that the next call from the attorney will be the call that notifies me I am officially, 100% divorced.  Yes, there is sadness over what has been lost, the future that I had imagined, and knowing that my beautiful daughters won't grow up in the family that I had imagined. 

But despite the sadness, there is a sense of relief that, for the most part, overshadows the sadness.  Relief that things are close to final, so that I can really and truly move forward.  I'm not sure what exactly I am moving towards, but some new beginning.  Relief that I am learning how to make it on my own.  It isn't easy and there are days and months when I wonder "how am I supposed to do this?!?"  Those times are more often than not, but the thing is?  I am making it.  I am getting by.  And, I'm doing it while managing to take care of my girls, maintain my job, and keep most of my sanity. 

So, how does confusion fit into this puzzle?  Well, sadness and relief are two emotions that feel like they should conflict, or at least they feel that way to me.  So, when a wave of sadness hits, I do feel confused.  I wonder, how can I feel relieved, at the same time I am sad for the life that I am putting behind me?  I'm thankful that the moments of "is this the right thing?" have long passed.  I know, with certainty, no matter how difficult it is now or in the future, that this divorce is the right thing for each person involved.  That seems strange to say, since three of the people involved, my daughters, didn't get a say in it.  But the simple truth is this...in the long run, each of us will be better off living as two families instead of one.  That doesn't mean there will not be challenges, difficulties, anger towards us from the girls.  I can only hope that someday, they will understand that sometimes the most difficult decisions are the ones that are ultimately, the best decisions.

With all that has gone on?  I'm exhausted.  I wonder if, when things really are final, I will crawl into bed and sleep for two days.  It has been nearly a year since the first "divorce" words were uttered.  When I think about the upcoming seasons, the holidays, and that I will now miss 1/2 of those special moments with the girls, I feel shaken, caught of guard, and unprepared.  The best decision...not always the easy decision.  I am preparing myself for a holiday season unlike any other, the first of many, and one more new beginning of sorts.  I anticipate sadness.  I hope that each year will get easier.  But for now, I think I am just going to wait for the true finality of the divorce, let the relief, sadness, and exhaustion all take their turns, and keep moving forward.  Again, I don't know what I am moving towards, but I have to trust it is something amazing. 

New beginnings...sort of?

Well, I'll be honest.  I have sat and stared at my computer screen what feels like a million times the past few months.  I have so many things I want to say, things I probably need to say.  Yet, I sit and stare at the screen, wondering, how do I even start to explain it? 

Yesterday, I decided I had to start somewhere.  And I got locked out of my account.  Which actually brought tears to my eyes.  Those tears spilled over onto my face and before I knew it, I knew exactly what I wanted and needed to say, but had no way to unlock my account.  Frustrated?  A gigantic understatement.

So, that brings us to today.  I finally got my account unlocked (and will now remember that I need to log in more often so that it doesn't happen again).  And once again, I'm sitting here, looking at the screen, trying to figure out where to start.  So, I guess I jump in, exactly where my thoughts are right this second.

I am now in the final phases of divorce.  Custody has been established and finalized.  That was the most frightening period of time for me.  I never understood the difference between custody and visitation prior to this experience.  However, after covering it with my attorney and a mediator, I did understand.  I want to make one thing clear.  I did not seek custody of my children to spite my ex-husband.  I sought custody of my children because it is how things needed to be.  We have a "standard" visitation schedule for each week, holidays, etc.  But, I encourage additional visitation time.  In fact, I suggest it.  It is good for them and it is good for him.  My intent in seeking custody was never to "take" my children from him.  And it never will be.  There are 101 reasons that I fully believed I needed to be the custodial parent.  Those reasons?  Aren't for here.  But if you feel the need to point fingers or accuse me of trying to prove a point?  Don't.  I don't want to hear it, don't need to hear it, and while this blog is certainly a platform detailing my experience, there are just some things that will not be said here.  Please remember to be kind.  Because nothing about any of this has been easy.

Not to long ago, we sat through the financial trial.  I cannot imagine that is a comfortable situation for anyone.  Truthfully?  Finances were the farthest thing from my mind.  What mattered to me, in all of this, was that I would be awarded sole custody of my children.  I was and am aware that I had to make sure I had the financial means to support them.  But, I didn't go into the financial process like I was out for blood.  I went in, knowing what I would need in order to appropriately care for them.  I didn't ask for more, I didn't accept less.  I tried to picture what must be going through my ex-husband's head.  And it made my heart hurt.  I know what I felt like, I can only imagine...wait...no, I can't imagine...how all of this has felt to him.  And I won't pretend to. 

So, divorce wise, that is where things are.  The final paperwork process.  Claiming debts, dividing assets, transferring titles, etc.  A truly frustrating and draining process.  It feels never ending.  Yet, I don't think the most daunting part has yet to come.  I imagine the day I sit in my attorney's office to sign that "official" document that officially declares me divorced will be one that is surrounded by a slew of emotions.  I am confident there will be a momentary realization that nearly 1/3 of my life has been reduced to about 50 pages of court documents, which in itself is depressing.  Likely a moment of, this is not how my life was supposed to turn out.  But, I imagine the larger and more overwhelming emotions will include relief that it is finally done.  All done.  Signed, sealed, and delivered.  I will no longer have to question what box to check...I am not really separated or single, but I am not yet divorced.  But that "married" box feels like a big giant lie.  I also anticipate some feelings of freedom.  No more visits to the courthouse, the attorney's office, no more trying to document every single thing for financial affidavits and more.  There's one other emotion I am already starting to experience.  It feels strange and out of place.  But, there is a part of me that is excited.  Yes, excited.  Let me explain.

The months immediately after the decision to split, the filing, mediation, etc...a horrible, draining, miserable time of life.  There are days I pray I never have to remember.  But sometime in the late Spring or early Summer, I think once custody was settled, my children and I moved.  We started our new life.  They now had two families, two homes.  And I set to task creating a home in our new space.  We didn't have furniture for weeks.  We had picnics on the floor daily.  I smiled at them and each night, I would try to accomplish some task to make our new place their new home.  Gradually, that horrible, gut - wrenching, fight back tears, pain faded away.  Yes, it still hit at times.  But, I started to notice something.  I was smiling.  A lot.  I was laughing.  I was remembering what it felt like to be happy. 

And then something else happened.  I realized that while my initial decision to "never ever date again," that had seemed rational at the time...it no longer seemed rational.  In fact, it seemed extreme.  I had absolutely no idea how to date; my last first date was over 10 years ago.  Dating with kids?  Who has time for that?  Yet, I started to realize I missed having someone to share my day with.  Someone to laugh about life's random moments with.  And maybe, just maybe, my initial "never ever again" reaction had been a way to protect myself from getting hurt again, when I really needed to heal. 

So, that started the next chapter.  Another new beginning.  I had no idea who or what I was looking for.  Or even how to find that person.  I wasn't in a rush, in fact, slow and steady was just fine with me.  After all, I was still waiting on final paperwork.  So, I hesitantly approached the dating scene.  Know what has happened in the past 10 years?  You don't get set up on blind dates through friends.  You meet potential dates on online dating sites.  Which seemed completely bizarre to me.  It creeped me out just a bit, but it didn't paralyze me with fear.  After an internal debate, I decided to give it a try.  After all, what did I have to lose?

So I gave it a try.  A few first dates.  A very few second dates.  No third dates.  Although, I did find a new friend or two.  I found myself laughing even more and truly enjoying life.  Not just enjoying my children, but life. Dating with kids?  Awkward.  But, I used the time when they were with their dad to focus on figuring out myself.  And then I went on a first date.  I left that date feeling confused and unsure.  But, I wanted to know more about this person; I was intrigued.  A second date followed several days later.  After that date?  I suggested a third date.  Date 3 happened. 

Sometime during those first three dates, something happened.  The wall I had put up months and months ago, the wall that was designed to protect me from getting hurt?  It started to crumble.  I was well aware that I might get hurt in a new relationship.  Yet, there was something that made me want to figure out what might be there with this person.  A few more dates followed.  And with each date, I fell a little bit more for this person.  It caught me so off guard.  I never expected to actually meet someone I would really consider dating through some online site.  I certainly never expected to basically fall flat on my face so soon after a divorce. 

And one afternoon, reality hit.  I had two lives going.  I had my life with my children, which consumed about 75% of my time.  And, I had this new beginning with someone I really wanted to get to know.  But the two parts of my life couldn't cross paths.  And I got confused.  How was I supposed to keep two important things completely separate?  Yet, there was no way I was ready to bring the two together. 

So, I did what any reasonable mom would do.  I put my personal feelings aside.  I stopped seeing this person.  I tried to explain my rationale, but I did a horrible job.  What's more?  I felt horrible at the thought that I may have unintentionally hurt someone.  Someone I was coming to care about very much.  I tried to follow up and apologize, but I don't think I did a very good job at that either.  I spent days going through the motions and missing what had, so unexpectedly, become an important part of my life.

Tonight, I have one last chance to try and clarify my situation to this person.  There is a part of me that hopes he understands and can work with me as I figure out what the next step is.  There is a larger part of me that would not blame this guy from bolting and never returning.  More than anything?  I hope that I can clearly explain my thoughts, feelings, and intentions.  I hope that he can hear them.  And I hope that even if he chooses to walk away?  I can start to heal, once again, knowing that I have been completely honest about my fears for a new relationship. 

Dating post divorce...who knew it would be like this??? 

Till next time...wake up every day, knowing that something amazing is about to happen. 

Another month of no progress

I have been away a bit longer than anticipated.  I apologize for the delay since my last post.  I was a bit under the weather.  And then, one by one, all three of my children had caught the same quick stomach bug.  And then we all got it again.  And so it continued...for practically three weeks.  A nice circle that seemed like it would never end!  But, finally, I'm a bit scared to say, we might all be out of the woods.  I was actually holding my breath while typing that last sentence.  I'm scared to think Spring has arrived and forced the yucky bugs out.

I have been thinking about what to say in this post and I decided I needed to say something, before I became just one more person, who started a blog, said a few things, and let it get lost in the hustle of every day life.  Because this blog?  It is too important for that.  It is helping me sort through all of the emotions, good and bad, that I have as I navigate this very delicate terrain.  And the longer I go without saying something, the odds are that when I need to look back to have a reminder of how incredibly horribly awful this all felt?  It won't be here.  And if it isn't here to help me, or someone else, later on...well, what's the point?

Since my last post, we have had another court date.  I have spent another hour in the attorney's office.  I have spent a few hours doing homework for the attorney and trying to sort through the financial things for both the attorney, the accountant, and the courts.  Know how far that has gotten me?  Pretty much nowhere.  That scares me. Know why?

Because as all this is happening, I feel like my wheels are spinning.  Since this all started?  It feels like a million years have passed and yet it feels like if I wake up, it will have all been a bad dream.  I sign paper after paper.  I cry.  A lot.  I pray for some kind of definite something.  Anything.  4 months, two court dates, petitions, and more.  Know what has been formally decided?  Absolutely zip, zero, nada.  And it is driving me absolutely nuts.

I want to be able to know something.  Anything.  And I want to know that it is done.  I can count on it. I can know that there is no going back, no changing minds, but that something has been officially decided.  Because until something like that happens, I feel like I am suspended, in mid air, on a tight rope.  I am either going to make it to the other side successfully or not.  Depends what is decided and how it is decided.  Problem with that?  I'm not a tight rope walker and in fact?  It makes me think of the circus (which divorce can definitely be described as a circus).  Know what I think of when I think of the circus?  Clowns.  And I'm scared of clowns.

But at the circus, there are people...the tight rope walkers...who somehow manage to balance, while remaining in motion, on that rope.  They take carefully plotted steps.  Occasionally, they stop.  To regain their footing or balance.  Everyone holds their breath.  And although it may seem like minutes when they pause to regain their footing, it is likely just seconds before they continue on the trek across that rope.  The rope never breaks.  And, thankfully, most of the time, the tight rope walkers make it to the other side.  If they don't?  Well, it's the circus!  There is a safety net!  But, mostly they make it across, step onto that platform, and raise their hand, take a bow, and relish in their success.  And the crowd, who had been quiet just moments before erupts into applause.  At least that is how I remember it.  The last time I went to a circus I was probably 8 or 10 years old.  So, it has been awhile!

So, although I feel like I am suspended in mid air on a rope?  My steps have big hurdles I have to jump, while remaining on that rope.  At the circus?  The rope doesn't break, unlike a marriage.  If the person walking falls?  Well, there is usually a safety net to catch them.  But, no safety net in a divorce.  Because pre-divorce, your safety net, the one who made sure you didn't fall is now the person you are divorcing and therefore nothing is safe.  And the tight rope walkers keep moving along that rope, making progress with each step.  Where as in a divorce, you are stuck, waiting on your spouse, the attorneys, the judge, the courts, and you cannot move forward until everyone has analyzed everything.  And while you are standing there, without a safety net, you can see the other side...the platform you are supposed to make it to.  And it feels like you might never reach it.

But at some point you know, you realize you will eventually land on that platform.  You start to wonder if once you finally make it to that platform?  You will realize it is the last place you ever wanted to be.  Because once you finally get there?  You are officially divorced.  The thing you thought you wanted most...something to be official, finalized, and officially declared?  Yep, there it is.  All wrapped up, signed, sealed, and delivered.  But there is not an audience to applaud you. And there is no time to take a bow, because suddenly?  Everything is final, you are officially on your own, with three small children who need you more than ever, and the new reality of life as a single, divorced, mom to three?  There it is.  All I can say?  Oh shit.

So, I'm suspended on a tight rope, trying to walk forward, but having to take steps backwards, in the saddest and most frightening circus of all.  The circus called divorce.

I'm already working on my next post and hope to have it up sometime next week.  Things no one tells you to expect during a divorce process.  To say I have learned a few things?  Huge understatement.  I'm guessing that there are so many more things I will come to learn, discover, and despise about divorce.  So if you have any tips?  Let me know.  They just might make it onto my top 5 (or 7 or 10...it's a post in progress) thing no one tells you about the reality of the divorce process.

Until then?  Hope that my rope doesn't break.  Because trust me, right now?  It is wearing thin!  But, I will continue.  I will face my fears.  And I will remember...

“Courage is not the absence of fear, 

but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear.” 

— Pat Riley

Lost in the chaos

I feel lost in the chaos of divorce.  I have sat for nearly 45 miutes trying to figure out how to put that into words that adequately describe what it feels like right now.  And that is the best I could come up with. 

In chaos, there is no rhyme or reason.  Things happen that are beyond your control.  You feel like you are running after a train that is already in motion.  For every step forward that you take, you find out you are eighty-seven steps in the wrong direction.  By calming one of your children down, the others are in the midst of some crisis or another that you cannot solve and you cannot figure out how to tear yourself into thirds so that each of them get what they need from you.  Chaos leaves you feeling exhausted, but sleep is impossible, simply because there is too much to do. 

Chaos is hell. 

As awful as chaos is right now?  There was a time when I thought chaos was glorious.  Just thinking back to those times, puts a smile on my face.  The chaos of a young family.  A young family, growing together, in a house that became to small, with two dogs who barked for no reason, and a family of five who were learning how to be a family together. 

As the little ones got older each year, more and more chaos came.  We made it through the chaos of a baby, a baby and a toddler, and two toddlers and a baby.  We made it to the chaos of kindergarten, preschool, and daycare.  The introduction of organized sports....tumbling, soccer.  This year, they tried ice skating.  Each, learning their passions, hobbies, and dislikes, while my husband and I shuffled children here and there, while working full time jobs. 

Family chaos?  Is incredible.  It is magical.  It is love.

So how can the same word have such drastic definitions to the same person?  Had you asked me in July how we juggled three kids, as working parents, I would have smiled and told you I had no idea, we just did it.  Yet, no one would dream of asking me that now, because clearly, we didn't do it correctly.  What I once viewed as wonderful, glorious chaos of life has now become the most chaotic battle of all.

We, my soon to be ex-spouse and I, are in a dance with one another.  We try to move together, for the sake of our amazing children.  But hurt feelings and misunderstood words get in the way.  And soon, we are dancing around each other, both frustrated, confused, and hurt.  And as we keep dancing through this stupid, awful world of divorce, our dances become more and more individual routines and less and less partnerships.  Clearly, we would never make it as a couple or team on Dancing with the Stars.  Every so often, it seems we are pulled back towards each other, for some reason or another.  Every so often, I start to think my heart might heal and that we will be able to do this - be civilized, nice to each other, divorced parents.  But in a blink of an eye, a moment, that crashes to the ground and we each retreat to neutral corners.  And as fast as our moment of peace happened?  Now, it's another call to the attorney, another anticipated battle, and another sleepless night. 

I'm certain I must be naive.  Because when I recited my wedding vows, I truly believed them.  I believed the words we spoke to each other.  Not only did I believe those words, I trusted those words.  And I trusted the man I said them to.  And as he recited those vows to me?  I trusted him.  I envisioned forever as our future.  I never imagined anything else.  I suppose that is why I despise divorce and feel so blind sided by it.  Because, this?  This awful place that we exist in right now?  Yeah, that was never supposed to happen.  Especially not to us. 

So, for now, I pray for the good days.  The civil days.  The days that are actually better than civil, when we occassionally share a laugh together.  I hope for neutral days.  The days when we don't have to solve any problems together and therefore we are separate and there is no reason for hurtful words or frustrated emails.  And I dread the days when we are both on the defensive.  I hope, for everyone who is involved, all five of us, that we can establish some formalized piece of this divorce soon.  The limbo that we exist in right now is simply not healthy for anyone. 

But, once the limbo is over?  And things are all done, wrapped up, and signed by a family court judge...then what?  I never imagined life as a single mom.  Why worry about that, when I truly believed I had a marriage that would last forever.  But now, single mommyhood is staring me in the face. 

And I think that single mommyhood will bring a new sort of chaos to my life.  I know there will be missteps and moments where I will wish for my husband to be there to help.  I'm sure he will have those moments as well, when he has his days and weekends, and times with our children.  But, instead of leaning on each other, we will reach to family and friends.  We will figure out how to do this on our own.  And the new chaos we will learn will be nothing short of miraculous. 

Till next time?  I hope for strength, I pray for relief, and I smile as I anticipate the "new normal" that awaits me and my children. 

It is an "I Hate Divorce Day"

Not sure that this will make sense, but it is an "I hate divorce day."  Not that I love the thought of it on any day, I most certainly do not.  But some days are harder than others.  Some days I find myself wondering if my life is the script of a bad talk show or soap opera.  Today?  Yep, it's one of those days. 

Today has even brought a few tears, ok more than a few.  And more of what feels like pieces of my heart breaking.  These days are the worst.  I wonder when they stop?  I can't forsee that these feelings will go away tomorow or next month.  But, I certainly hope they don't last forever. 

Last night, my five year old told me that divorce worried her.  I asked why it woried her and secretly told her that it woried me too.  She looked so relieved that she wasn't the only one worrying!  I smiled for a brief moment, knowing that by listening to her and hearing her, acknowledging her fear, that I had done the right "mom" thing.  The only problem is, I kind of want someone to reassure me. 

Unfortunately, there isn't anyone who is adequately prepared for that.  Some friends and family have had life long or seemingly endless marriages.  I always assumed that we, my soon to be ex-husband and I, would be in that group.  Other friends and family members have been through a divorce or have parents who were divorced.  The advice and encouragement I get from anyone on either side of the great divorce debate is laughable at best. 

For some, I just need to give it another try.  Problem?  I didn't give up in the first place.  For others, I see their eyes blaze and they begin their tremendous tale of divorce and making the ex-spouse pay.  Yeah, sorry, that's not really my way either. 

I'm sort of the calm, collected, quiet type.  Maybe that's what got me here, maybe not.  I have no desire to make my (do I have to keep saying "soon to be or can I just say ex?) future ex-spouse miserable in his new life.  Ultimatley, I want peace.  And happiness.  For everyone involved.  And on days like today, it feels like that goal is too lofty. 

I'm determined to make it a reachable goal, but I haven't quite figured out how.  For now?  I'm going to get ready to make the best Valentine's Day card boxes that kindergarten and first grade have ever seen! 

Hoping for a better tomorow....

Starting Over

I'm not a writer.  But, I have found that, througout the years, creating a log, journal, or chronicle of life events has helped me in countless ways.  It has helped me remember the amazingly wonderful moments of life.  It has helped me dig up an answer when five years down the road, I can't quite remember if my daughter was 2 or 3 when she had chicken pox.  It has helped provide healing as I have typed entries into a site for an ailing friend.  Ultimately, blogging, on my old platform, let me create a family heirloom that I would at some point, get printed off, and distribute to my children as sort of a timeline of their lives and our family.  Unfortunately?  That family heirloom is going to change drastically in the next few months.  One word.

Divorce.

I want to say I didn't see it coming.  And, a large part of me didn't.  But, I have to believe, that on some underlying level I knew it was going to happen.  Except for one small thing.  I thought we had rounded the corner.  That we had faced the toughest of times and that we were on our way to becoming the maried couple we had been very early in our marriage.  Sure, we would be a bit older, certainly a bit wiser, and have a whole new definition of fun as we were now parents.  But, I truly believed that we had weatherd the storm.  That part about staying together through sickness and health?  Yep, we did that.  Better or worse?  Most certainly.  Richer or poorer?  The poorer part came with the sickness part.  But, we had stuck to our vows and I can honestly say that I never intended for my marriage to end.

Except that suddenly, it wasn't my decision.  My soon to be ex-spouse made the decision for me.  About two months ago, my world fell apart when he bluntly told me his feelings about us, our marriage, and our non-existent future.  As we moved forward, each day, facing his harsh criticisms became more and more painful.  There was a period of time in December where we tried to let things take their course, before we jumped in and hired attorneys.  After all...who could afford attorneys and how in the world do you even get divorced?  Aren't marriage vows invincible?

Finally, I jumped in, found an attorney, and figured out (quickly) what my rights were.  I am an educated, employed, female.  I am also a mom, I was a wife, and I felt like someone had given me a map, pointed me towards a course, turned out the lights, and forgot to give me a flash light.  Then they said, "Go.  Go thru the maze.  You have to finish.  Just go." 

And I went.  Blazing down a path that would force me to open my eyes to some harsh realities.  But ultimately, that would force me to understand divorce in a way I never thought I could.  I am slowly becoming a divorce resource for my children.  Figuring out whether to hold their hand, let them cry, or call the child psychologist.  All while trying to navigate the murky waters of who lives where and when. 

I'm not certain where this journey, or this blog, will take me.  But, I hope that you will join me for the ride.  If you are here to criticize me?  Just leave now.  Until you have taken a step in my shoes or have seen a snapshot of my life from the inside?  You have no right to judge me or my decisions.  But, if you are willing to offer me a bit of support, read as I begin to charter into true judge-ordered single parenthood?  Then please come back.  I promise there will be plenty of laughable moments on this trek...some of them have already happened. 

So, here is to starting over...2014 style.